Paleolithic (Caveman) Feelings, and You!
Our bodies are made up of traits that are good for our survival and the survival of our species. Every part of us has a function, a purpose. For example, the function of eyes is to see. The function of taste buds is to determine the nutritional value of food and avoid eating poisons.
Our emotions evolved right alongside our bodies. What is the function of emotions? To answer this, think about good ol’ Uncle Caveman. How did fear keep him alive? That’s easy, when he saw a Sabertooth tiger, Uncle Caveman got scared and ran away! Fear gave him the adrenaline, energy, and focus he needed to stay alive.
How did anger keep Uncle Caveman alive? It helped him bargain for his interests better. When another tribe tried to move into his cave, anger created the right motivation for Uncle Caveman to keep his cave (good thing too, what with all those Sabertooth tigers running around). Anger helped Uncle Caveman protect his interests.
What about shame? Shame is a very social emotion, more so than other feelings. When Uncle Caveman did something that disgusted, disappointed, or angered his tribe, he felt shame. Being part of a tribe was critical to Uncle Caveman’s staying alive. The formula is: Alone = Death, Part of Tribe = Survival. Shame helped Uncle Caveman act in pro-social ways so his tribe would not kick him out. (So he had to stop tagging the wooly mammoths).
Sadness for Uncle Caveman was caused by a loss of some sort. I hope one of his children wasn’t eaten by a Sabretooth tiger, but I can’t promise that. Say it happened. Well, sadness did two important things for Uncle Caveman’s survival, and the survival of his tribe. 1) He never forgot that Sabertooth tigers can kill. He told everyone he knew. And he never again asked a Sabertooth tiger to babysit his kids. 2) It made him yearn for his child, and for connection to others. Guess what, this story ends well. Uncle Caveman’s baby actually was hiding that whole time, and since sadness had motivated Uncle Caveman to search for his kid…they lived happily ever after.
Emotions helped Uncle Caveman make decisions that helped him stay alive. The function of emotions is to help us make good decisions, so we don’t get hurt, used, ignored, or run down.
Evolution is a SLOW process. In fact, our bodies are very alike to our cavemen ancestors. Sure, we know a lot more. And we use Facebook and soap. But our bodies—and our brains—are not so different from good old Uncle Caveman!
Emotions evolved in humans like everything else; what was adaptive to the species remained. Emotions are critical to our decision making! That’s why therapists tell people to “understand your emotions.” If you did that better, you’d made better decisions. I promise.
If we all had perfectly tuned emotions, life would be good. But, we are individuals within a species, and we each have different characteristics. That applies to our eye color, height, IQ, athletic ability, and—of course—emotional experiences.
Many mental disorders are characterized by too much—or not enough—of certain emotions. Depression is too much sadness. Anxiety Disorders are too much fear. Personality Disorders may be too much shame and anger. When you notice your feelings remain far beyond their function (remember, they help you make good decisions), they can seriously interfere with your life. If your emotions have outlived their usefulness, talk to a trusted adult (p.s., Sabertooth tigers are not good confidantes). It’s time you had some help.
Teens & Stress
Stress is how you respond to “stressors.” And stressors are most of the things in your life: parents, grades, personal appearance, falling in love, friends, prom, teachers, jobs, clubs, college applications, break-ups, mid-terms. It can seem like stress is just a natural part of teen life.
People have different thresholds for stress. You probably know people who are quite happily busy for 18 hours a day. You also know folks who seem overwhelmed with just the idea of a to-do list. If you’re like most teens, you’re somewhere in the middle: working to balance the parts of your life, effectively. You are probably doing the best you can. And, still, you’re feeling stressed out.
Stress is a mean relative of anxiety. Anxiety has lots of relatives, and not all of them are bad. Many people who achieve at high levels have a drive to do well that can cause anxiety. So, goal-achievement is a nicer relative of anxiety. Conscientiousness—how aware we are of ourselves and others—is also related to normal anxiety: another nice relative. But, stress…he’s a mean one.
Stress is the unwanted, vague, suffocating, terrorizing relative that tends to overstay his welcome. When stress stays too long, it is bad for you. You’ve probably heard: chronic stress is associated with poor sleep, lowered immune deficiency, inflammation that damages your body’s cells, acne, high blood pressure, aches, weight gain, and gastrointestinal problems. Stress makes you feel inept. In a world of problems, it blocks every potential solution from your view. Like I said: mean.
So how do you manage stress effectively? Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT) would tell us to try reducing our emotional vulnerability. Use the P.L.E.A.S.E. skill. Stress really is in your body, not just in your mind. So, the first step in countering stress is to take care of your body. The P.L.E.A.S.E. skill is a guide for this. When your body is healthy, it’s better prepared to manage the daily stressors that are part of life. And, should a big stressor present itself (finals!), you’ll be ready to take them on, too.
P: Physical and L: HeaLth. (L fits, see?)Take care of your body. If you’re sick, treat the illness, first and foremost. Your body is telling you something: “take care of me.” So, rest. Take medications as prescribed by your doctor. These may be your vitamins, antibiotics, psychotropics, blood thinners, inhalers…whatever your doctor and parents both agree is right for you, take those medications as prescribed.
E: Eating. Balance your eating. Don’t eat too much. Don’t eat too little. Both can make you feel ridiculously tired. Over-and under-eating can cause clinically significant levels of inattention. They lead to moodiness, including especially irritability. Both over-eating and under-eating can become all-consuming, where the thing you think about most is food. That makes it hard to be effective in life.
Eat good foods. They really make a difference. Whole grains. Fruit and vegetables. Lots of water. If you love carbohydrates, try to move those into the evening hours. Your best concentration/energy foods are the proteins, and it’s a worthwhile goal to include a protein at every meal. Good protein sources are almonds, soybeans, cheese, milk, chicken, and energy bars. Sugars and fats aren’t just hanging out at the top of the food pyramid, they are wreaking havoc on your concentration and mood. So, avoid those. They taste good, but the cost on your effectiveness is just too high.
A: Altering. Avoid non-prescribed mood altering substances and behaviors. You got it—that means drugs. People who habitually and regularly use illegal substances have higher rates of depression, lower academic performance, lower relationship satisfaction, lower self-esteem, and fewer reasonable future goals. Mood-altering behaviors are usually dangerous, and unnecessarily so. Cutting yourself or otherwise harming yourself can be mood-altering. It can be mood-altering to drive 100mph down a country road. Such unsafe and impulsive behaviors do not reduce stress in the long-term. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they just end up making things worse for you.
S: Sleep. Sleep is like food for your brain. It is the time when today’s learning experiences consolidate and go into long-term storage (you may experience this as dreaming). That’s why people advise you to get a good night’s sleep before a test. Sleep is also when important neurochemicals and hormones are released to support your growth and brain functioning. Poor sleep leads to impaired concentration, zits, impulsivity, irritability, weight gain, and vulnerability to illness.
If you’re like many teens, sleep is the first thing you de-prioritize in your schedule. You may cut into sleep hours without a second thought. Like, staying up late to study, work, or (electronically) socialize. Some set early alarms to finish up a paper or get in a workout. If you take nothing else away from this article, take this: PROTECT YOUR SLEEP. Defend it. Honor it. You need it.
Teens need between 8-11 hours of sleep a night. If you can’t fit your obligations comfortably into the other 13-16 hours a day, then you’re doing too much. Barriers to sleep are more prevalent than you may know. Barrier #1 and #2: your cell phone and IPAD. Scientists have found that the LED screens in hand-held devices interfere with your brain functioning in ways that delay sleep onset. Barriers #2, #3, and #4: your TV, video games, and personal computer. While TV and video games do not have the LED component, they can be pretty tough to turn off when you’re tired at night. Take-home message is this: put your electronics to bed at least one hour before you’d like to be asleep.
E: Exercise. Just do it. Aim for a minimum of 3 workouts a week. Workouts should last at least 30 minutes, and they should get your heart really pumping. Working out with a friend is a fun way to stick to a regimen. With exercise, remember: the cart usually comes before the horse. Not many people “feel like” working out until they are well into their workout. If you wait around until you feel like exercising, it may never happen. But you’ll notice that, once you get started, the motivation to workout follows. If you’re having a lot of trouble with exercise, research shows that just taking a few minutes to visualize your workout can increase your motivation and readiness.
Stress is a normal part of life. But it can be really difficult to manage. If your struggles with stress are more intense, these are your warning signs:
• feeling sad/irritable more days than not, and for most of each day
• worrying about almost everything, like your mind can’t stop going
• needing more than one hour to fall asleep, or waking up a lot at night
• gaining/losing 10+ pounds in one month
• thoughts of death, suicide, or self-harm
• thoughts or plans to hurt others
• feeling hopeless, or like nothing matters
• changing your life goals drastically within the past month (e.g., “I don’t care if I graduate.”)
• headaches, stomachaches, or indigestion
• isolating yourself from friends
• feeling ineffective (pushed over) in relationships
• wondering, “what’s the point?” of taking care of yourself
If you have any of these signs, then the P.L.E.A.S.E . skill alone may not help much. You should talk to a mental health professional. Seek out your school support staff to see if therapy may be helpful for you.
Social Language Group
Plum Tree Child & Adolescent Psychology and Beyond Words Speech Therapy have teamed up to offer a social language group to children ages 5-8.
This group will focus on helping children achieve the following skills: Managing peer conflict, Self-assertion, Sharing, Friendship skills, Reading social cues
Social Language Group
For More Information: 630.549.6245 or ann@www.theplumtree.net
When Nice Words Don’t Help
He doesn’t accept himself. Against this intensely negative self-focus, your compliments don’t stand a chance.
Perfect Child
Many parents ask me if perfectionism is problematic in kids. It can be. It’s all a matter of adaptiveness. Does perfectionism help or hinder your child? In our fast-paced, information-saturated environments, our children need to continually adapt. But, perfectionism can be the opposite–perfectionism can be rigid and unmoving.
Psychologists typically distinguish between two types of perfectionists: the maladaptive one, and the adaptive one. On paper, these two look alike. They often achieve at the same high level. They have similar high standards. But, one of them is miserable: the maladaptive perfectionist.
The maladaptive perfectionist believes that any less-than-perfect work is unacceptable. They can become preoccupied with details so much that the point of the activity is lost. In fact, perfectionism in this form often interferes with task completion. Maladaptive perfectionists can be excessively devoted to work at the expense of leisure and play. They tend to be inflexible about rules, and come across as rigid and stubborn. Transitions or changes in plans can upset them. Maladaptive perfectionists tend to avoid group work, being unwilling to accept or approve of others’ contributions. Maladaptive perfectionists tend do fine in low-stress situations, but when asked to perform or produce they can become ineffective. Even when achieving at high levels, they tend to be less satisfied with their performance. For example, your child may reason, “I shouldn’t have to work so hard for an A+.” Maladaptive perfectionists have high levels of self-criticism. They are more vulnerable to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide. But, if asked, these kinds of perfectionists often say that perfectionism is their secret to success.
Adaptive perfectionists also have very high self-standards. But their innate desire to excel does not hinge on a flawless performance. These kids recognize that, sometimes, “perfect” can interfere with success. They are able to sacrifice perfectionism when short on resources (i.e., time, money, parent’s help, etc). These children feel good about a job well done.
There is an overlap between perfectionism and giftedness (children with Superior or higher IQ). Perfectionists and gifted children both have: self-discipline, perserverance, and motivation. These “non-intellectual” factors play a signifcant role in IQ; in fact, they’re requisites. To do well on IQ tests and in school, children must be able to:
- Recognize, alter, and maintain changes in their behaviors and moods in ways that advance their cognitive performance (self-discipline).
- Mentally tinker with something until getting it right, rather than giving up and saying “I don’t know” (perserverance).
- Internally drive themselves to do well, feeling innate pleasure at success (motivation).
Perfectionism can actually interfere with IQ. Very smart children usually do very well on tasks that have no time limit. But when required to work quickly without making mistakes, perfectionistic children can buckle under the pressure. They may be paralyzed by performance anxiety. They may refuse to be rushed, losing time in executing items to perfection.
Perfectionism can also interfere with social development. Children who are overly perfectionistic can become easily frustrated with peers who “don’t get it.” They may hold others to their own high standards, and criticize those who they see as falling short.
Perfectionism is not the same as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Children with OCD show strange behaviors and senseless compulsions. They may obsess about contamination, and so wash themselves in a specific, self-prescribed manner. They may obsess about getting things “just right,” and so rearrange objects into symmetry, touch or do things a certain number of times, or feel compelled to tie and retie their shoes. Frequently, children with OCD obsess about numbers. They may talk about “safe” or “unsafe” numbers, and aim to have items or behaviors occur in “safe” numbers. OCD interferes with functioning at home, at school, and in the community. OCD symptoms require lots of time, sometimes up to hours each day.
Normal child development includes phases of obsessions and compulsions. For example, between the ages of 4-8 many children engage in specific rituals (such as having a specific bedtime process, or wanting parents to respond with specific words). Fears about contamination (“cooties”) can also be common. Hoarding (collecting objects) is normal by the age of 7. Between the ages of 7-11, highly rituatlized and rule-bound play is normal. And, into teenage years, it is common for children to develop obessions about activities or idols.
You can help curb your child’s maladaptive perfectionism in several ways:
(1) Help your child alter her self-talk. She may believe that if someone does a task better than her, she is a complete failure. She may believe that you will criticize her if she makes a mistake. She may believe that others’ respect hinges on her being perfect.
(2) Help your child become aware of his perfectionistic tendencies. Show him that taking time to make every detail perfect delays his progress. Show him that messing up can provide opportunities for new ideas.
(3) Help your child see the positives. Point out what she is good at, and what others are good at. Encourage her to praise others’ abilities. Point out that, even if she did not do something perfectly, she may have had a lot of fun while doing it. Explain that spending positive time with school peers can be even more important than producing a flawless group project.
(4) Lead by example. Reassure yourself that your child will indeed make it in this competitive world. Enjoy learning for its own sake. Don’t obsess over standardized test scores. “Mess up” and be OK with it.
(5) Avoid overemphasizing accomplishments. Act on values that lead to greater life satisfaction, such as: spending time as a family, volunteering in your community, having fun, and doing things you’re good at (e.g., gardening, drawing, etc.).
(6) Don’t protect your child from disappointment. If he wants to quit soccer because he is not the best, encourage him to stick it out. If her school project is sloppy, avoid stepping in and doing it for her. Your child is not fragile. He can handle being disappointed. Defeat is a natural consequence, and there is no better teacher. Managing defeat and disappointment are critical skills children need in transitioning to college and workplaces. They’ll be more resilient if you allow them to “fail” as children.
If your child’s perfectionism cannot be altered, consider consulting with a child psychologist.
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